House Hunting...

Someone recently (okay, just 4 minutes ago) asked me how the house hunting is going.....Let's see....we've seen mouse droppings, french doors that open out to a beautiful view (and a two story drop straight to the ground), an aquarium built into a wall, a prison door, a crumbling load-bearing wall, lots of jesus and mary statutes, a yard that was paved, a house that smelled like cat pee, Slick Rick the Seller's Realtor, a neon yellow kitchen (which also had two different sets of cabinets, and a washer and dryer in the kitchen, and they just ripped up the tiles), a master bedroom "loft", a "house" the size of 4 outhouses, a bathroom where god forbid you had to stand up quickly from a seated position you would hit your head on the ceiling and knock yourself out.....and a gorgeous place that was bought the exact instant we decided to make an offer....bout sums it up....

So...there I was....walking with a fresh cup of hot tea in my
starbucks cup...you know, the ones with the crappy lid that almost
invites hot-near boiling liquids to escape from the open hole (not
like the dunkin cups which have a locking lid to prevent the
blistering boiling water from leaping on to your flesh--seriously, who
engineered this? Did they not think, hey, what happens when the stuff
inside sloshes around, does it act like a trampoline launching water
furiously about like a fat kid jumping in the bubble castle???? Sure,
Dunkin's says "caution: contents extremely hot" for the special
people that might burn their tongue, but starbucks makes no warning as
to the fact that you are holding a potentially explosive caustic
device)....I digress....where was I, oh yes....as I approached my
arch-nemesis, aka "Jiggle The Secret Knock", aka the door that doesn't
open unless you lift the handle twice and push at the exact instant, I
casually reached for the handle with my left hand...and felt the
sudden calming cool sensation in my right hand, which was quickly
followed by the stinging and burning of reddening skin as I realized
the ejecto-lid had propelled what can only be described as white
phosphorous-like green tea on to my skin, nearly melting my ring to my
fingers. At that exact moment, Jiggle The Secret Knock decided to go
into lock-down mode faster than a future nun on prom night. As I
crashed full bore into the door, shaking the door frame with 200
pounds of intense angry cauterized pain, the magnetic lock still
held....until the tea in my right hand tried to occupy the same space
as said door, resulting in a volcanic eruption of beverage which
catapulted itself into the precise location of a sophisticated
security mechanism whose soul purpose for existence is to prevent
unauthorized users from entering a secured facility. I mean, if
someone could get in to this room, the world might end. We're talking
top secret security. We have non-armed guards on oxygen that might
chase you down, or at the very least hit your car in the parking lot
because they forgot which pedal was the brake and were confused by the
bright light (or, as most of us call it, the SUN) and the loud noises
(driving with the door open). This is the most secured facility this
side of the straw house in the three little pigs story....as the door
still shook from my impact, I watched the tea trickle down in slow
motion....

*Click*

Jiggle the Secret Knock popped open....

At that moment, I uttered "I AM SOFA KING WE TODD DID".....

how to best describe the differences between my last job and this one.....

it's like going from rushhour traffic on 128 when there's 3 accidents, one involving a police officer, when you have to use the bathroom and get to a meeting with the IRS because you are getting audited......to canoeing on the charles on a nice summer day, when the light breeze is perfect, and it's not too hot.....