http://youtube.com/watch?v=QpdFkR73jkw

"two years ago, unemployed and bored, she tried crystal meth"....hmmm, usually when I'm unemployed and bored, I like, read books, watch tv, maybe surf the web....heck, I might even go for a walk...blog...i dunno..i mean..hmm, crystal meth...well...

It's official...the DUMBEST person alive has been found and she works at panera!!!
Here's the tale in all its glory:

I walk in....."Hi, I'd like an asiago cheese bagel, toasted, with butter, and a cafe latte, please, and I have a coupon"
She grabs a french toast bagel, slices it, puts in in a bag, and gives it to me.
I say, "I'm sorry, I would like an ASIAGO cheese bagel, toasted with butter."
She says, Oh, i'm sorry, throws the other bagel away, grabs an asiago cheese bagel and puts it in a bag and hands it to me...
i say again...toasted with butter
she looks confused...then goes, oh and puts in on the toaster--not sliced....then burns herself reaching for it. Who knew not sliced wouldn't fit through the awesome super-duper toasting wheel? So, she takes it out to slice it, puts it back on the wheel of torture
she has my free coffee coupon in hand, rings up my total for 5.29....apparently i'm supposed to pay for the coffee and both bagels< muahahahah
i look at her confused
she then looks at the coupon and says, oh, 93 cents
I say thank you.
she takes the bagel, puts in in a bag, hands it to me...
i ask for butter
she said, yes, it has butter
I look in the bag
there's no butter
I ask for butter
she's like, "fine" gives me butter and says NEXT...
i look at her....
she's still lost
I ask for my latte
"OH, SORRY"....
she makes it
iced
i asked for hot
she looks confused
then the other girl comes over and says, "can I help you"....
Thank goodness. Saved......This is the only person in the whole place with a brain I fear.
Lord, don't let Panera be the only place that survives when our world comes to an end....
Someone asked, "is english not her first language?"

Folks, she's definitely born and raised and fed by a tube here in the great state of mass. No offense to people that must be fed by a tube for medical reasons....this poor soul just can't find her mouth...and I'm quite positive her mom has stitched her head to her shoulders for fear of her losing it....

latest update......i punched 400 holes into what can only be described as cardboard covered steel disguised as paper...seriously, you all better like those save the dates..

The story of my fat lip....this is short...but sweet...and kinda funny....so, last night....we went out on Mission 434. That's the 434th wedding-related trip of the year.....we went to look at shoes, tuxes, i stopped to pick up the Brothers of a Feather CD...Adrienne went into the Christmas Tree Shop...I walked out with the cd, she walked out with 20 hurricane vases for center pieces....you all had BEST like those centerpieces...and I expect to hear about them at the wedding. Anyways...we loaded my car with 20 ginormous and fragile glass domes and headed for hooo......wait a minute, we had to stop and pick up ribbon from Joanne Fabrics....then we were headed for home...now the fun part...

So, you know how in cartoons and the Goonies if you step on a rake it flies up and hits the person in the face? That's funny right. Well, in the cartoons the rakes are always in the grass and the pointy parts are facing up so the foot catches it and it flips up and boom...ha ha funny....well....in a darkened room, while a flustered overtired person is searching for keys, and the other person is looking for the light switch, and the rake is resting against the wall, pointy side down so that no "accidents can occur", it is quite possible for one to step just right on the rake and have it fly up and hit a person in the face.....now, a fat lip is cool when you can make up a fun story about that bar fight or whatnot, but when you split your lip and your spittin blood and checking your teeth, well, that just sucks...and at 31 a bar fight ain't cool....so...that's my story...alas, it doesn't end there....see...so...there I am, in the livingroom, fat lip, bloodied and battered, punching holes in the very cool and soon to be delivered save the dates.....when.......bing bong...doorbell...bingbong...at 10 at night...WTF..."honey, it's the police"....You don't ever like the police showing up at your door at night for no reason...So.....i open the door...."Hi, we received 2 911 calls from here. Is everything all right?" "911...uh...what...." "Oh, that was me...I'm sorry....I accident hit the emergency button on the phone, calling 911...but I hung before it could call....." Seems the love of my life was calling her folks and hit the emergency button, hung up and hit the "1" to call her folks....and ignored the beep beep beep of call waiting......so, there I am, bloody and swollen with a cop eying us suspiciously, two 911 calls placed....me hurtin.....to be honest, I think he was eying Adrienne suspiciously.....

Pretty sure we're on the watch list now.

Some of you have asked for an update....i dunno if you're afraid you wont' get invited, or afraid that you will...so, here it is....the wedding planning is coming along nicely....in fact, we're doing save the dates this weekend...which means thursday I'll be scrambling for mailing addresses...fun times....then it'll be time to send it out....but it's not a cool magnet..and there's no cool pictures....just a piece of paper. I had to pay for that. Lots of money for that. Spent hours hearing about it. And I'll be paying to mail it....So, for those of you that get one, you best not throw that out....in fact, frame it...

For those people that jump into relationships too quickly....it's like picking up a book before you're finished with the last one...you're just not quite ready to start a new story...you put it down...and sometimes you forget where you put it.

favorite thing I read today....yankees are 14 1/2 games back of the sox....of course, that'll make it hurt all the more when boston slumps....and we all know they will...start strong, finish weak, start weak, finish strong......ugh

I'd like to correct everyone in the proper spelling of a "Honey Do" list...it's honedo....under no circumstances should there be a "y" in there.....trust me...just better that way.

Okay...My cousin says I am full of myself...Dan says I am full of "poo"...this creates quite a paradox....if I am full of poo, and full of myself...does that mean I am poo??? oh....the slippery slope that I am on is a dangerous one..

So...My friend Karen needed a "special" cake for a friend's party.....this folks, is the quote of the month...

hi - i'd like the cake with chocolate icecream, vanilla cake - oh and can you go ahead and draw a big ol' penis on it? THANKS -

AN IMPORTANT PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT!!!!

This was sent to me by TRUE RED-BLOODED PATRIOTIC AMERICAN who understands FAMILY VALUES and is a neo-trad-democraniblican.....

Hey, I don’t really care who you’re voting for, but I want to start a web-phenomema to nominate “Baby Got Back” for Hilary Clinton’s “Campaign Song”…
So, when you have the chance, if you could all take a moment and add “Baby Got Back” as a write-in for her stupid “Choose Our Campaign Song” voting page.
I mean…how awesome would it be to see her enter the DNC stage to that song?

http://www.hillaryclinton.com/action/spotlight/?sc=1184

Oh, and tell your friends.

Thanks,

Francis

my saturday....

It's gonna be a tough choice. Gardening when i'd get the "CAN YOU HELP US" scream from the kitchen, go to the gym, or put my head in the gas grill while it's heating so I can go to the hospital for burns...

Oddly enough, burns don't hurt so bad

I hate panera bread......well, I like their coffee...but their deserts and "treats" just suck!!! They're always dry. I buy like one every few months, something good and sweet....they always look moist and delicious. I fork over my hard earned money for the yummy goodness...and I'm rewarded with baked cardboard. Freakin' awful......and the worst part is...they're like a bad relationship with a crazy fun person that does those weird acrobatic stunts that gets your heart racing....you know, the one where you never delete the phone number, and one stupid drunken night you send a text...and the next thing you know you're right back in the thick of it saying, "what the hell did i do??"

So, with everything that's going on right now....all I can say is we're not gonna know what to do with ourselves when we stop house hunting, stop wedding stuff....no wonder people have children

mortgage

from the latin words mort, meaning death, and gage, meaning gagging......

House Hunting...

Someone recently (okay, just 4 minutes ago) asked me how the house hunting is going.....Let's see....we've seen mouse droppings, french doors that open out to a beautiful view (and a two story drop straight to the ground), an aquarium built into a wall, a prison door, a crumbling load-bearing wall, lots of jesus and mary statutes, a yard that was paved, a house that smelled like cat pee, Slick Rick the Seller's Realtor, a neon yellow kitchen (which also had two different sets of cabinets, and a washer and dryer in the kitchen, and they just ripped up the tiles), a master bedroom "loft", a "house" the size of 4 outhouses, a bathroom where god forbid you had to stand up quickly from a seated position you would hit your head on the ceiling and knock yourself out.....and a gorgeous place that was bought the exact instant we decided to make an offer....bout sums it up....

So...there I was....walking with a fresh cup of hot tea in my
starbucks cup...you know, the ones with the crappy lid that almost
invites hot-near boiling liquids to escape from the open hole (not
like the dunkin cups which have a locking lid to prevent the
blistering boiling water from leaping on to your flesh--seriously, who
engineered this? Did they not think, hey, what happens when the stuff
inside sloshes around, does it act like a trampoline launching water
furiously about like a fat kid jumping in the bubble castle???? Sure,
Dunkin's says "caution: contents extremely hot" for the special
people that might burn their tongue, but starbucks makes no warning as
to the fact that you are holding a potentially explosive caustic
device)....I digress....where was I, oh yes....as I approached my
arch-nemesis, aka "Jiggle The Secret Knock", aka the door that doesn't
open unless you lift the handle twice and push at the exact instant, I
casually reached for the handle with my left hand...and felt the
sudden calming cool sensation in my right hand, which was quickly
followed by the stinging and burning of reddening skin as I realized
the ejecto-lid had propelled what can only be described as white
phosphorous-like green tea on to my skin, nearly melting my ring to my
fingers. At that exact moment, Jiggle The Secret Knock decided to go
into lock-down mode faster than a future nun on prom night. As I
crashed full bore into the door, shaking the door frame with 200
pounds of intense angry cauterized pain, the magnetic lock still
held....until the tea in my right hand tried to occupy the same space
as said door, resulting in a volcanic eruption of beverage which
catapulted itself into the precise location of a sophisticated
security mechanism whose soul purpose for existence is to prevent
unauthorized users from entering a secured facility. I mean, if
someone could get in to this room, the world might end. We're talking
top secret security. We have non-armed guards on oxygen that might
chase you down, or at the very least hit your car in the parking lot
because they forgot which pedal was the brake and were confused by the
bright light (or, as most of us call it, the SUN) and the loud noises
(driving with the door open). This is the most secured facility this
side of the straw house in the three little pigs story....as the door
still shook from my impact, I watched the tea trickle down in slow
motion....

*Click*

Jiggle the Secret Knock popped open....

At that moment, I uttered "I AM SOFA KING WE TODD DID".....

how to best describe the differences between my last job and this one.....

it's like going from rushhour traffic on 128 when there's 3 accidents, one involving a police officer, when you have to use the bathroom and get to a meeting with the IRS because you are getting audited......to canoeing on the charles on a nice summer day, when the light breeze is perfect, and it's not too hot.....

Dating sucks....we've all heard it...we've all said it. Me, I'm done with it...thank goodness, but I can't help but hear my friends talk about it and think, you know, when we were young, this is how a college date would go....."god, I love beer"..."me too"..."wow, you like beer too?"...and then boom, you have lunch at the dining hall together, walk back to your room with the clinky clanky sound of stolen glasses bouncing around in your pockets..who doesn't love being 18.....suddenly it's been two weeks and you maybe went to the mall together once, but mostly hung out in your dorm rooms and went to parties where you both relished in the joys of death punch hook ups. Then you "broke up", so to get over it, you and your friends went to a party...had some beer.."wow, you like beer"....rinse wash and repeat...Next thing you know, you're out of college, and you're done hooking up. Turning over a new leaf. You're a grown-up now, it's time to really date, to find someone (unless you found one in college and got out early, which is a smart move, because dating is EXPENSIVE and much harder when you can't just hook up any night of the week for free, errr, for free beer)....I mean, there's no more fraternity parties (except when you go back to visit those friends that still haven't graduated because they were younger or were on their 5th...6th...sometimes 7th major--side bar: there's nothing better than the following "DUDE, WHERE"S THE WHISKEY?" "WHY?" "I missed my exam"...."so, call the professor and make it up"..."it was two months ago"......"Kitchen, bottom cabinet, next to the green stuff that might have been spilt beef stew......i'll be home in 20")...Back to dating,post-college....you think "this is gonna suck"....however, we all discover "the bar", "the club", "the usual place"....you're there....drinking.....and viola...it's like college....only with captain and coke, martinis, wasted away in funking slummerville....rinse wash repeat...but before long, those drunk nights fade away, you start seriously looking, only to find that you have a smaller group of friends, everyone knows everyone, most people have coupled up....and fewer people join the group...it gets ever smaller....you wait for that connection to happen...your friends don't know any single men or women, (or just won't introduce you to any of their single friends because they remember that time you did that thing and that was just wrong and you haven't grown up yet enough for their snooty friends....but i'm not bitter)...anywho....you have a career now, so one place where you meet people is at work, but dating at work is a no-no. Just when you think there's no hope of bumping into that someone, you hear about on-line dating. It doesn't have the same stigma it once did (honest). You see, there's tons of people in your position. A bunch of folks in a small circle that no longer branches out and with just WRONG stories of their past that makes them undatable...and unintroducible. To make matters worse, your friends don't hang out at the pubs so much as go out to dinner.... It's different. Can't really walk up to that cute someone at dinner that you might have exchanged looks with while sampling riesling and poached fish, sit down at his or her table and say, "Hi....nice shoes." So, you take the plunge, not telling any one of course (hey, it's still got somewhat of a stigma). At first, you're kinda clueless...A wink here, a wink there, you send an email or two, go on a date, realize you've made a HORRIBLE mistake to go out so quickly. People lie. It's a fact. Dating is like this--first three months is all lies....then you start to get to show your true colors...hence most relationships dying at the 3 month mark, or shortly thereafter. On-line dating, most start with HUGE lies.....So, you make a few oh my god moments, and then you get gun shy. The next time, you take too long to go on a date.....and boom, it dies before it begins. The key is to think of it this way--on-line dating is like going to the bar. Sure, sometimes you have the beer goggles on, but the most important thing is that you can have sober conversations with someone, you can get to know them a little more, to the point where you're almost friends before you even meet. I went on a date with this amazing woman I met on-line. She was and still is awesome. We talked, alot, emailed, alot, had great conversations, shared stories. Our date was at a pub we both enjoyed....we decided to meet up and hang out on a friday night. We both loved music...I showed up with some burned cds (today's equivalent of "i made you a tape", only without the in-between song clicks, the radio djs talking over the beginning or end of the song that you recorded by sticking your tape recorder next to the speaker, and the required cheesy writing and comments and decorations)...She showed up with her sister and her sister's boyfriend. It was like old friends hanging out because we knew each other. It was nice. Fun. The beer flowed, the music played, we got drunk....it was like old times....college days....we danced...we drank...we left...we we're both too drunk to drive and it was too cold out to walk but we couldn't really tell...shoot, i think we might have been too drunk to walk....so, I walked this very lovely woman home.....and there it was...that distinct clinky clanky sound of stolen shot glasses and empty Guinness pints clanging together in our pockets.....it dawned on me then.....maybe nothing has really changed......in fact...it's still the same.....only now, 30 is the new 21.....

Thank goodness I know how to squeeze a nickel so hard so the indian screams and the buffalo craps!

That's a message I got from my cousin....that's all I have to say.....