Dating sucks....we've all heard it...we've all said it. Me, I'm done with it...thank goodness, but I can't help but hear my friends talk about it and think, you know, when we were young, this is how a college date would go....."god, I love beer"..."me too"..."wow, you like beer too?"...and then boom, you have lunch at the dining hall together, walk back to your room with the clinky clanky sound of stolen glasses bouncing around in your pockets..who doesn't love being 18.....suddenly it's been two weeks and you maybe went to the mall together once, but mostly hung out in your dorm rooms and went to parties where you both relished in the joys of death punch hook ups. Then you "broke up", so to get over it, you and your friends went to a party...had some beer.."wow, you like beer"....rinse wash and repeat...Next thing you know, you're out of college, and you're done hooking up. Turning over a new leaf. You're a grown-up now, it's time to really date, to find someone (unless you found one in college and got out early, which is a smart move, because dating is EXPENSIVE and much harder when you can't just hook up any night of the week for free, errr, for free beer)....I mean, there's no more fraternity parties (except when you go back to visit those friends that still haven't graduated because they were younger or were on their 5th...6th...sometimes 7th major--side bar: there's nothing better than the following "DUDE, WHERE"S THE WHISKEY?" "WHY?" "I missed my exam"...."so, call the professor and make it up"..."it was two months ago"......"Kitchen, bottom cabinet, next to the green stuff that might have been spilt beef stew......i'll be home in 20")...Back to dating,post-college....you think "this is gonna suck"....however, we all discover "the bar", "the club", "the usual place"....you're there....drinking.....and viola...it's like college....only with captain and coke, martinis, wasted away in funking slummerville....rinse wash repeat...but before long, those drunk nights fade away, you start seriously looking, only to find that you have a smaller group of friends, everyone knows everyone, most people have coupled up....and fewer people join the group...it gets ever smaller....you wait for that connection to happen...your friends don't know any single men or women, (or just won't introduce you to any of their single friends because they remember that time you did that thing and that was just wrong and you haven't grown up yet enough for their snooty friends....but i'm not bitter)...anywho....you have a career now, so one place where you meet people is at work, but dating at work is a no-no. Just when you think there's no hope of bumping into that someone, you hear about on-line dating. It doesn't have the same stigma it once did (honest). You see, there's tons of people in your position. A bunch of folks in a small circle that no longer branches out and with just WRONG stories of their past that makes them undatable...and unintroducible. To make matters worse, your friends don't hang out at the pubs so much as go out to dinner.... It's different. Can't really walk up to that cute someone at dinner that you might have exchanged looks with while sampling riesling and poached fish, sit down at his or her table and say, "Hi....nice shoes." So, you take the plunge, not telling any one of course (hey, it's still got somewhat of a stigma). At first, you're kinda clueless...A wink here, a wink there, you send an email or two, go on a date, realize you've made a HORRIBLE mistake to go out so quickly. People lie. It's a fact. Dating is like this--first three months is all lies....then you start to get to show your true colors...hence most relationships dying at the 3 month mark, or shortly thereafter. On-line dating, most start with HUGE lies.....So, you make a few oh my god moments, and then you get gun shy. The next time, you take too long to go on a date.....and boom, it dies before it begins. The key is to think of it this way--on-line dating is like going to the bar. Sure, sometimes you have the beer goggles on, but the most important thing is that you can have sober conversations with someone, you can get to know them a little more, to the point where you're almost friends before you even meet. I went on a date with this amazing woman I met on-line. She was and still is awesome. We talked, alot, emailed, alot, had great conversations, shared stories. Our date was at a pub we both enjoyed....we decided to meet up and hang out on a friday night. We both loved music...I showed up with some burned cds (today's equivalent of "i made you a tape", only without the in-between song clicks, the radio djs talking over the beginning or end of the song that you recorded by sticking your tape recorder next to the speaker, and the required cheesy writing and comments and decorations)...She showed up with her sister and her sister's boyfriend. It was like old friends hanging out because we knew each other. It was nice. Fun. The beer flowed, the music played, we got drunk....it was like old times....college days....we danced...we drank...we left...we we're both too drunk to drive and it was too cold out to walk but we couldn't really tell...shoot, i think we might have been too drunk to walk....so, I walked this very lovely woman home.....and there it was...that distinct clinky clanky sound of stolen shot glasses and empty Guinness pints clanging together in our pockets.....it dawned on me then.....maybe nothing has really changed......in fact...it's still the same.....only now, 30 is the new 21.....

Thank goodness I know how to squeeze a nickel so hard so the indian screams and the buffalo craps!

That's a message I got from my cousin....that's all I have to say.....

Well now...the dust has settled.....it seems there was a ternader that hit a nuke-u-ler facility that created a nuke-u-ler ternader that was my life for the last few months (thank you GW for the pronunciation, and J. Raymond for the discussion on GW's pronunciations...and proclomations). So, let us review where we are. First, the blue dress was found, it fit perfectly well, and my lovely fiance was very happy (mind you, I did have to carry it on the T into boston, and I did have a paperbag stuffed with satin/lace/nylon/cotton/velvet/chain mail/etc b/c I didn't know which undergarment she meant when she said the black satin ones)....and, she's recovered from me airing the emails which I will never post again because I love her and respect her.....and it's fair because she promised never to show the video of me getting a beat down by that group of fourth graders. Hey, they had wiffle ball bats...those can hurt you know. I mean, a little duck tape and BAMMO you're taking down a pinata!!! So, the update that I promised. I quit my job. I moved in with Adrienne. I'm starting my new job. We're still in the process of unpacking. I've finally embraced technology and fallen in love with my DVR. HOWEVER, i did learn a valuable lesson about "record series". Make sure it's not on all the time at random times and that it doesn't record ALL episodes. Yes, sure, I missed a few episodes, but I now have 32 hours of Fuse TVs Pants Off Dance Off because it is on like 4 hours a day from like 10-11 and 2-3....(please check this out....www.fuse.tv/pants....it's my new favorite show. It's like watching some guy get hit in the dangerzone by his son hitting the wiffle ball off the batting T...only over and over and over again)....So....two things i've learned about being in a relationship and living together...first....get a calendar. Seriously. You have two busy people and put them together, and suddenly you're double booked every weekend and monday-friday is something else altogether. I thought, hey, living together, it'll make things easier. nope....still crazy. Get used to it. Second....how the heck can two people have use so many dishes, so many paper towels, and generate so much trash? We're going to get a bill from the city soon because of that. Oh...something else....shoes. I have lots of shoes...i buy them on sale and wear them till they are dead. I was fat. Clothes never fit right, but shoes did fit right. I could buy shoes. So i bought shoes. A lot of them. I'm not as fat now. I can buy clothes that fit. I don't buy shoes as often any more mind you, but now my shoes are taking a lot longer to wear out. And now I have lots of them. They are all comfy. They all fit. My future wife has shoes. Lots of shoes. Some she's never worn. Every one was bought while on sale....I'm proud of her. Just one itty bitty problem. "This pair doesn't fit right. This pair hurts. These are sling backs, those aren't good for cold weather. Yes, they're black, but they're SLINGBACKS. Right, those aren't slingbacks, but they're open-toe, so I can't wear them when it's cold. These are wicked cute but they hurt if i wear them more than 10 minutes. I like those but I can't walk in them. I can walk in those but if I have to stand still they hurt....someday I'll have a dress that goes with those...." And yet I live with it, and I love every minute of it. And it's only fair, because, you see, she has to put up with me having this amplifier and that amplifier and that effects pedal and this effects pedal and no, that guitar is for slide, and this guitar has a maple neck and that one has a rosewood fretboard, no, that pickup has a thin sound, that one is thicker, no, that is a recording mic, that one is for vocals...what do you mean the harmonica ended up in the laundry? Yes, I know, you found ANOTHER guitar pick....it was in your corn flakes? My bad...." And the biggest thing that she has learned to tolerate....the fact that I pee change. LOTS AND LOTS OF CHANGE. You can walk anywhere, and sure as Hansel and Gretel left bread crumbs, yours truly has left enough change and guitar picks to please all the out of work musicians in Boston and NYC COMBINED!!!!!!!!!