Kind of a weird day...it was one year ago today that I had my "i didn't die" day....365 days ago at this very hour I woke up in the hospital.....wierd...very...weird.....

i wish i could share with you the excitement I get when I open up a lil bag of pistachios, pull out a handful, and find that one already-de-shelled pistachio nut.....it puts a smile on my face like you would not believe...sure, i know down in the bag somewhere there'll be an empty shell...but so what...so happy...it's like...BUBBLES!

Today I buy a house.

Holy FREAKIN' crap!

Oh yeah, I was updating some information on a few social networking sites....it's funny, I was cleaning it up, making a few things private....and viola, people were following up with "hey, what's going on, everything ok?".....everything is absolutely fantastic and exciting....I just didn't want as much stuff out there...not that it matters...everything is archived every letter, every thought...yeah...we are all hosed...at least until 2012 when the world ends.....

For the 5th time in as many weeks i've said, "Man, I'm getting too old for this". Suddenly, I've decided to relive the wild days of my youth....what a foolish foolish thing to do. My mind and my body just do not handle the riggers of being a party animal. It must be the pending house purchase and the I'm not growing up thing. Gulp. My brain hurts. Seriously, I'm getting too old for this.

May your song keep you alive....

When in doubt, you just need to listen.

Jobs are all the same...every job has some level of annoyance, or BS if you prefer. BS can be work load, the people around you, or a combination of both. The ideal job is one that balances BS with $$. You can't have a BS free job and make a ton of money, that's just not realistic. But you can have a job that is filled with BS that pays you squat. You will not like this job. It will annoy you and eat at you until you decide to change. Typically, this will result in a job that has even more BS but pays more $$. This will satisfy you for a little while because you feel better about making more money. Then this too will eat at you. When you find a job that you can tolerate the BS and are happy with the $$, you should yell no wammies and STOP!

Everyone knows where they were when they got that call. If you don't know what I'm talking about, consider yourself lucky, and glad you're not in the club. I can remember every call, exactly where I was. I was at a hockey game at UNH -- the Whit, sitting on the end behind the goalie, 3 up from the glass (still isn't as cool as hockey in the barn). I had just walked in the door from a student senate meeting. I had just gotten off-air from Wildchats. I was at work, I had just come back from lunch -- take out from the Blue Moon. Greasy nasty Chinese food in Rochester, NH. I never ate it. I was in bed recovering from a night of drinking with an old friend who had just broken her arm and busted herself up good snowboarding -- i could still taste the rum. I was practicing guitar -- and not doing a very good job at it. I was sitting in my recliner watching the Pats game with my cousin. I was standing in the dining room looking back at my fiance. I was sitting in the dining room having just finished dinner with the family. I was sitting at my desk getting urgent messages from friends. I know every detail. I know every feeling. Every breath. Every flush. The numbness, the "otherworldliness", the detachment, the lump, the punch, the blow, the ache, and the crash to reality. It's funny how it hits you. Sometimes, you don't realize it. Other times, you wish you couldn't realize it. And it's funny how something will make you think of that call, of what that call meant. It could be an email, a smell, a song, a movie, a noise, a memory, something out of the corner of your eye. It could be nothing at all....and boom, there it is. And every time, no matter how hard you try, that call will pop into your mind. You can't escape it, no matter how hard you try. And sometimes that call is like a domino...from one call to another they just fall, fall, fall. I hear the pop scratch of a needle on vinyl, and i hear the call. I hear a puck clang off the goal post, i hear the call. I see a yellow post it note, i hear the call. I always try to think beyond the call, but sometimes, I can't. It's those times I hate the most...that's not the memory I want standing out. I know it's there. It's always there. It's always gonna BE there. It's like this HUGE post in the center of a room, running floor to ceiling, and it's a small room and the walls are covered with pictures and movie screens and no matter where you stand, your back is always to the wall closest to you, and you always want to see what's on the other side of the room, but every time you step forward the post gets bigger and bigger till it starts to block out the images, and as soon as you turn you find yourself on the other side of the room looking back at where you just were, forced to see that stupid post again...you can never get close enough to touch, and you can never ever see past that post.....

By now, you know the club...and the calls....and you know the connection that only those that have had the call can share.

My Grandmother. Lorraine's Mom. Lou's Dad. My Grandfather. My Grandmother. Jac's Dad. My Dad. Papa Paoli. Nana. Dave.....

I hate those calls....

So...I'm bored...well, not bored...but for the first time in about 2 years, I don't feel like I have some pending thing that I must deal with immediately. It's nice. I cleaned a little. Organized some things. I put away some wedding stuff, put away some hawaii stuff, even put away some lawyer stuff. Saturday I sat down and watched the video of Dad and I jamming. It was great. I miss him. It's weird to hear his voice. And to see him drum. I was so excited and so nervous that I was sloppy--and unfortunately, we didn't get to record us when we got in the groove because there was no way for me to hit record without dropping off playing--and when you find that groove you can't just stop. Luckily, my brother came home towards the end of it and was able to catch a minute of us playing House of The Rising Sun....it was amazing...funny, all my pictures, and it's those 3 and a half minutes of us playing that I think i cherish the most! I was able to transcribe some of what we jammed to. I also decided it was time to start learning sign language. I know the basics, having grown up with parents that taught and with a father who was legally deaf (which is amazing when you watch the videos of him drumming!!!). Anywho...so...in the three days where I haven't had any urgent thing to do, i was able to get my room in order, walk down memory lane, transcribe a jam, write a song (finally), start learning sign again...oh, and also started to teach myself piano. Did I mention that I'm also in the final stages of my guitar project (it'll be completed by the coming weekend)? Man, I love it when I have nothing to do.

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